Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Reality Show Bites

Blame it on winter and my ensuing propensity to hibernate, but lately I've become hooked on several certain "reality" shows, so much so that I've spent an entire Sunday in my pajamas without having left my apartment once. So much so that my DVR flashes a warning message when I select a new show to record saying, "You already have 2 other programs selected to record at that time" (or something to that effect). But can you blame me? What do you expect when VH1 and Bravo air such scintillating programming about washed-up B- and C-list celebrities teetering on the brink of OD-ing and a score of wannabe drag queen superstars ripping off their wigs as they lipsynch for their poor, Godforsaken lives? What's a girl to do, hit the STOP button? I think not.

Usually I'm not much of a TV watcher. I've been known to go for a whole week without switching on the boob tube and over an entire YEAR without cable television. But when you put a sexy doctor like Drew Pinsky in the same room with *the* former Madam of Hollywood (who now sports one hell of a banged-up collagen injection lip job - just try and take your eyes off of it), toss in one majorly in-denial Dennis Rodman and add a dash of a certain 70s show child star who recently admitted to having a consensual sexual relationship with her father, you have a recipe for couch glue. And how am I expected to resist the ruthless but always-on-target advice of Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger, with whom I have developed an undeniable love-hate relationship? Speaking of, I would love to see her on Celebrity Death Match (remember that show?) with Tough Love's Steve Ward. Sorry Steve, but with as much as I've learned from you, my money's on Patti.

To top it off, Oprah had to go and do an episode on the new CBS reality drama Undercover Boss, which of course meant I had to schedule a regular Sunday night taping. I think CEOs of all major American corporations should be required by federal law to appear on that program. I'm convinced such a regulation would put an end to unethical corporate behavior and maybe even bolster our country's economy. Not to mention eliminate the need for eye makeup remover. Talk about a tearjerker!

But I think I'm doing a pretty darn good job of not getting sucked in to the reprise of Orange County's "real" housewives. All I need is about 5 minutes of that show to remind me how fortunate I am to not have been raised by a bleach-blonde, silicone-infused fake woman.

(No offense, RuPaul.)

You better WORK!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'm an Analytical Philosopher

A friend of mine who is a life coach created this personality quiz (ignore the title - it's the name of her MeetUp group) and swears by its ability to determine what type of people you would be compatible with in friendships, dating and work relationships. It's based on several different personality type indicators (one of which is Myers-Briggs) that she has studied. I've taken it a couple of times, both with the same result (I'm the "Analytical Philosopher," which coincides with the INTP type in Myers-Briggs), and I've also purchased her in-depth results which give a description of each of the other types and their level of compatibility with mine. I'm curious to know, especially for those of you whom I know personally, which type are you? Post your results (including the description) in the comments. It will be interesting to see how compatible we are according to the report I bought!

The Analytical Philosopher
86% Energy from within
86% Big-picture focused
71% Decisions based on facts
71% Open-ended planner

This means your personality type is 'The Analytical Philosopher'. At heart, you are an abstract philosopher who uses logical patterns of events to build systems of theory-based information in an open-ended way. You are a natural critic and can point out important problems before a project starts. Socially, you are laid back, spontaneous, independent and are open to socializing with fun people. You tend to prefer a small group of close friends who know you well.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


"Smack. Slurp. Smack. Chomp. Sliiiish. SMACK." These disgusting noises have been the soundtrack to my workday for the past oh, 4 months or so. I have the pleasure of sitting next to the noisiest, most inconsiderate eater in the entire office - also known as "Smack" and "El Caballo." And I have tried EVERYTHING to deal - from dropping hints (having "casual" discussions with a passerby about how annoying noisy eating is; sighing loudly in response to every slurp he emits) to flat-out asking him if he wouldn't mind to please close his mouth when he chews. After that last strategy, he improved about 70% - but only for a couple of weeks.

Now, once again, his mastication is my misery, and it's worse than ever. To top it off, El Caballo loves to eat, and takes full advantange of the stocked kitchen and provided lunches at the office. A pack of Lance crackers and a bottle of orange juice for breakfast daily (he always waits until I arrive to chow down), an average of 3 full plates for lunch, topped off with an afternoon snack or two for good measure. The worst part is, he doesn't just do it when he eats; apparently he has some sort of oral fixation that causes him to loudly suck and release his thumb as he stares contemplatively at his computer screen and click his lips together as he's talking on the phone (or, as he's just sitting there). My headphones are perpetually in my ears in an attempt to drown out the noise and harbor the vexation boiling beneath the surface that begs to be released in what I imagine would be such a gratifying "SHUT THE F$%* UP!!!!!"

Having exhausted all other avenues, I finally vented to the office manager this week, who immediately declared, "Oh, we'll have to move him!" You mean that's all it took?! I was both instantly relieved and annoyed at myself for not having said something sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of aggravation and my coworkers an earful. (I have discovered a good bit of new music on Pandora, though.)

Anyway, victory! I dare you to ask me how it tastes - finger-smacking good.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I Now Know the Meaning of "Baby Fishmouth".

(I heard it's sweeping the nation.)

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

Looks like The Fishmouth could use some Chapstick.

AND WHMS just happened to be on TV at the same time I found this picture. :)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Preachin' It

If you're an American citizen of age, whether you're Go-bama or No-bama, vote today.

Vote because there are still countries in the world who govern by coercion and hold so-called referendum "elections" where citizens are often shot and killed for voting against the military junta in power.

Vote because there are millions of people in this world who would give anything to have the right that you, as an American citizen, have to participate in your country's electoral process.

Vote because many of our Grandmothers and Great-Grandmothers were innocently jailed and subjected to violent torture and even death, all in the name of securing women in America the right to elect their government's officials.

Vote because you'll be taking part in an election that, whatever the outcome, will make history.

Vote because it's American.

Vote because you can.

Sometimes I Perplex Myself.

So I had one of those "New York moments" on my commute this morning. Or, a study in human behavior transpired - same difference. About halfway into my train ride, a woman steps into the car and stands to the right in front of me, reading her magazine, minding her own business. My first thought was, "That girl looks a lot like [insert name of friend from salsa class 2.5 years ago whom I used to hang out with but haven't seen in almost 2 years, partly because she had a baby in the past year and we all know that changes everything, although we are still 'Facebook friends']. But I know it's not her. Her face is slightly different; plus, she's wearing glasses." I sneak a few more furtive glances at her and decide, "Definitely not." A couple minutes later I look directly in front of me and see a man standing there reading his newspaper, and he looks a lot like said friend's husband. That's when I realize, "Duh, it IS them!" And it made sense because they got on the train at the stop that goes through their neighborhood. Neither one of them seems to have noticed me, though, as, in typical New York commuter style, they are so engrossed in their reading that they don't even seem like they're with each other, much less aware of who's sitting less than two feet away from them.

I find myself frozen in a state of uncertainty and shyness. What do you say to 2 people you haven't seen in 2 years, who have had a baby since you last saw them, whom you don't hang out with anymore and probably never will again, when you only have about 10 minutes before they get off the train? So I just sit there, listening to my iPod, then switching to my book, hoping that one of them will notice me and say something first. And I'm arguing with myself in my head, thinking, "You better say something soon, before we get to their stop, or it's going to bother you the rest of the day!" But my shyness proves the victor over any semblance I have of social normality.

A few stops later, the person sitting to my left gets up, and my friend's husband sits down in her place - right beside me! I think, "Ok, soon they'll have to talk to each other, and I'm sitting here in between them, and they'll HAVE to notice me then." Nope. They continue reading their respective materials, and, next thing I know, we're at their stop. Neither say a word, to me nor to each other, as they quickly stand up and exit the train. I'm left feeling nothing less than stupid. I end up sending her a Facebook message as soon as I get to the office, and find that indeed it was her and her husband on the train, and we both feel silly and agree that next time we'll say something, etc. Except I'm not so sure that "next time" I won't run to the other end of the car, because I'm still so embarrassed about how I acted today. The whole incident has me scratching my head, bewildered by my own bizarre behavior.

When you live in a big city and you have one of those rare moments when you run into someone you know on the street, in a store, or, in my case, on the train, you can't help but think such moments occur for a reason, and you should take advantage of them, because really, what are the chances? So the thing to do would be to say "Hello, ohmygosh what a coincidence, it's been so long, how are you?!" Right? I mean, what kind of person just sits there pretending like she doesn't notice two friends from her past, whom she hasn't seen in ages, and who have had a major life event transpire since she's last seen them? Who does that?! I could sit here and explain that I fear the possible awkwardness of conversation so much sometimes that it's paralyzing, but that still doesn't seem to sufficiently excuse my behavior. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. But I do marvel at how powerful fear can be if we let it, and wonder how many worthwhile opportunities I have let pass by in life all because I have given in to my neuroses.

Am I weird, or just human?

Monday, November 3, 2008

Searching for Terra Incognita

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.
    -- T.H. Huxley

A dilettante. A dabbler. A Renaissance woman. Call me what you want, I am a Jill of many trades, master of some. Since my post a couple of weeks ago about being stuck in a rut, I have been contemplating what to do next with my stagnant self. I've even set some mini-goals in the areas of physical fitness, social life, career and personal development. But I still need to decide on a new interest to explore just for fun. You see, I am the type of person who needs variety. I am addicted to new experiences. If I'm doing the same activity over and over, regardless of how fun it was for me when I first started, eventually I will get bored with it (case in point: salsa). So I need something fresh and stimulating. Classes I've taken in the past:

tap dancing
salsa/cha-cha dancing
tango (a very brief stint)
aromatherapy (a very, VERY brief stint)

I am not much of an athlete, so forget about any sports. But I do have rhythm, so I'm thinking possibly a percussion class. There is a drum circle group I found through MeetUp.com, which is meeting this weekend, though it is all the way in Harlem, which will make it difficult for me to get motivated to actually go to it. But it's an idea.

I've thought about bellydancing, but I'd really like to mingle with a co-ed group, whatever I decide to do.

There's language classes, but I don't want to go from sitting at an office desk all day to sitting at a desk in a classroom. Plus, one of my mini-goals already is to progress through at least the first 10 lessons of my Pimsleur Italian program by Thanksgiving. So I've got that area covered. (Don't ask me what lesson I'm on right now, though!)

I'm also toying with the idea of rock climbing, although that's a somewhat athletic activity that could cause me to feel more frustrated than excited. But I do need something that will get me out of my head and into my spirit - something either creative or physical or both, but definitely something NEW to me.

So... pottery maybe? I'd feel like a cliché. Even though it's a perfectly respectable activity. But I'm just not sure it "pings" for me right now...

What's a dabbler to do?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

BOO for Halloween

Generally, Halloween is a holiday I could take or leave. If someone invites me to a costume event, and I have nothing better to do, I'll go. But if nothing's going on, I opt out of doing something that involves donning a costume - I don't care; I don't feel like I'm missing out. This year in particular, though, I'm just not feeling Halloweenish. I'd even say I'm borderline anti-Halloween. I have a few options, but none of the BOOzefests are enough to inspire me to scramble for a last-minute costume - the pressure of which also contributes to my lack of enthusiasm for the whole thing. Bleh. If I had kids, it would be a different story - I'd enjoy experiencing it through their eyes. But as it is, I am in this weird limbo stage where I am just feeling so OVER any kind of party scene, while at the same time, obviously, I am childless and hence have no motivation to carve pumpkins, dress in a crazy outfit or hand out candy (nobody is coming to my apartment door, anyway).

And so this year, as Halloween falls on the start of a weekend, I am left with this quandary of having no social plans, because all everyone I know is doing is Halloween stuff, both Friday and Saturday nights. Me, I just want to maybe go out dancing for a bit one night, catch a movie the other. The dancing part, though, would require a costume of sorts unfortunately. If worse comes to worse, I'll just throw on my default costume - a white trash bag - and go as, what else, "white trash."

But the movie part is pretty enticing to me. It's been awhile since I went to the movies alone and really lost myself in a good flick. I am not one of those people who feels like she can only go to the movies (or a restaurant, for that matter) with someone else. In fact, I actually prefer to go to the movies alone. If you think about it, what is the point of going with someone, anyway? You're sitting in the dark for 2 hours (give or take), are focused on the screen in front of you the whole time and can't have a conversation with someone anyway, unless you want the audience hissing at you. Sure, you could "discuss" the film afterward if you had a companion, but I'm not one to go see a movie so that I can dissect it later. I just want to enjoy watching it, lose myself in it. Seeing a film in a theater is one of my favorite escapes from the rest of the world. If I had someone sitting there beside me the whole time, it would be like, part of my world is right next to me, reminding me of... my world. Which I'm trying to escape. Not that anything is "wrong" with my world, but, you get the idea. It's like a mini-vacation of sorts.

So I guess I just made my weekend plans.